The Invisible River
The unseen doesn’t live in words, it moves like water through the body — surfacing as ache, resistance, longing, and truth.
I know deep down that I am a poet in the body of a survivor. Words dripping from my fingertips onto the page in the moments between being swept away by motherhood and driving a business forward over the years, a hyper-independence fueled by life’s necessity.
I find myself longing to drop into the depths of my creativity only to be overtaken by the life that was handed to me. It’s a beautiful life because I have moved through fears and made decisions to have a quality of life. Yet, still, it’s the a life of the first born daughter and now as a single mother where I’ve learned to live deeply within my masculine energy masked as a strong, independent woman (who is exhausted without a masculine container to hold me). Trauma, grief and ancestral patterns don’t just live as memories. They live in the body. And I often forgot my softness.
A softness I once considered weak, too feminine, a reflection of my mother’s own weakness, or so I unconsciously thought. My journey to discover the feminine began years ago and just when I think I’m in flow, I find myself thrown back into my masculine energy of overdoing and disconnect, completely operating from my logical mind. When you ignore this invisible current, it pulls you under.
Yesterday, I could not connect while dancing and my heart was so overcome with sadness about it. WTF??? I had just felt embodied, elegant and sensual dancing tango the other night. I put on a daring dress and felt like the fierce, dark Goddess herself, opting for a shiny turquoise nail polish over my usual shades of red. Certainly, a dirty martini helped, too.
I thought I was fine. And I was - for the controlled state of doing that take over my days - breakfast and morning preparation for everyone, getting my daughter off to camp, hoping on a call with a client, working at my computer. But once I invited to come into my body during my dance session, I realize I’m not fine at all. I’m sore from Pilates, super tired having not slept well, and my body ached in random places from that lack of sleep. I wanted to cry. I needed to release. My private tango lessons give me the space and opportunity to feel, and then I am overcome with feelings that I had ignored while I took care of everyone and everything else. Different day on repeat.
This had been bothering me for a while now and I had no idea how to integrate or shift more easily between all of the roles and responsibilities I have and softening into being. I would try to make space and often it would feel like one more thing I had to do. The balance wasn’t coming.
As the Age of Aquarius arrived, I have felt this pull to drop deeper into embodying my spiritual ancestor, the goddess Hekate. She led me to build my marketing agency years ago and it’s her namesake. And now she calls to me to share my ancestral wisdom and the ancient, deep knowing I carry. It’s why I decided to bring back my Wild Wisdom Retreats and align this first one with Day of the Dead in San Miguel de Allende.
When I facilitate groups of women business owners to connect with their feminine energy, I can see how far I've come as I’ve been exactly where they are. And I'm no longer completely disconnected, but I have a tendency to search deeper and always want to know why I'm stuck or holding pain here or why I come smack up against the fear of expansion or I disconnect when I'm dancing some days. And why sometimes I can flow and surrender and why sometimes I can't.
I think that's why the horses call to me so much and to be with the land and to have my hands on the animals. I remember the profound moments I had when I was in Tucson, Arizona years ago on Coaching with Horses Retreats - when I had my hands on a horse during doing cranial-sacral therapy and while riding in the desert, feeling completely connected and alive. Maybe it’s time to take the risk of making that more of my reality…because when you listen and flow, the current carries you home.
Just this morning, another mother and I were chatting in the taxi about how she puts self-care and wellness on the bottom of her list. I said I put my creative endeavors, like writing, or my deep spirituality and wisdom, on the bottom of mine. So, we ended up in a discussion about the four temperaments and how Rudolph Steiner integrates it into the training of Waldorf teachers so they know how to work with the children.
I remembered my tango teacher talking about this once and I didn’t know much about it. So, I decided to take a test and learned that my temperament is Melancholy-Sanguine. When I shared with my friend she laughed and exclaimed that no wonder things feel like a rollercoaster. Basically, a blend of the two most emotional temperaments (thank you Cancer Moon), I go between introverted and analytical and extroverted and fun-loving, and need to recharge, especially through creative outlets.
This made sense because I had been coming up against times when I felt the flow of the feminine and like an embodied goddess, and I would return to my default mode and hit up against being caught in my mind and my intellect, and not in my heart.
Well, shit, I’m the mother of a five year old and I’ve been putting all that creativity on the backburner. And it completely explains why this summer with the camp and coworking has been making me feel even more burnt out and loca than usual, increasing my tendency to disconnect and stay in my head while dancing.
And explains why yesterday I felt so saddened about how I couldn’t connect when I know I AM sensitive, passionate and fun, just overwhelmed with responsibility. I mean, I was soooo frustrated with myself that I wanted to burn everything to the ground, including the thought to destroy my love altar and delete Bumble because, except for the first couple dates I had, dating has annoyingly felt like one more thing to do, and why the hell should I do it since I’m unable to connect anyway (this is how my brain thinks when I’m in this mode). Luckily, I resisted the destruction of my love altar and only deleted Bumble. :)
So, on one hand I loved being around my friends and having lunch together a few days a week. But ultimately, rushing to drop off and pick up the kids, being away from home all day coworking, going on excursions, and juggling logistics threw me out of balance because I’m just wired for routine and lots of downtime. It’s why I don’t think we could be a traveling family. I need a home base.
Between all of this reflection and the realization of my Melancholy-Sanguine temperament, it also dawned on me that I've been living my entire life in the opposite due to survival mode, a common fate for women and their maternal lineage.
And this last month really showed me how much I carry as a single mother and the sole provider and how much I would like a partner in my life that I could lean on and relax into sometimes (and why I have to open up to dating again). I did a channeling session with my brilliant friend and fellow Substack writer, Nancy Lucina, and she said I will have to fully surrender to the masculine.
Well hell, here we go.
I would really like to know what that feels like, but I know it will take even more letting go and receptivity on my end. I am grateful I have the opportunity to practice this every week with my tango teacher and for him putting up with my resistance.
One thing is for sure - it's time to truly take care of my heart’s pursuits.
So many of us have been taught to fear this current—
to hold it back, to dam it up, to stay dry on the shore.
But the truth is, you were never meant to live beside the river.
You were meant to live in it.
To be carried, cleansed, and remembered by it.
This is the work we will do together in San Miguel de Allende—
returning to the river of your body, your lineage, your feminine self.
🌀 Wild Wisdom Retreat — October 23-25, 2025
Come home to the water that has always carried you.
↟ Subscribe to ~interwoven~ if you want to keep traveling with me through these currents until then.
Wild Wisdom Retreat | October 23-25 | San Miguel de Allende, Mexico
An embodied initiation into your ancestral wisdom with horse as medicine and guide—to heal your maternal lineage and beyond, restore your inner sanctuary, and awaken the wild, sacred power woven through your bloodline.
Pay in Full for $999 USD through August 31st or 3 Payments of $333 USD (payment plan option ends August 23).