Moving Out of Survival Mode & Healing Qi
Struggles as a solo mama and when physical conditions cause emotional conditions, plus, what to do about it.
Tears streamed down my face as I began to write this. I have always taken what life has handed me in stride and just kept going. Raising a child on my own has been no different. In fact, my nanny told me the other day that I am an example to follow. She said I always find a way and don't complain about what I don’t have like some people.
But the reality of being a solo mother can be heart wrenching. And I have shed so many tears. I thought the birth of my daughter would bring me so much joy, but most days I felt so much grief. Today, I am reminded of being five months postpartum when my period returned and sobbing uncontrollably on the floor, barely functioning, and truly scared for the first time in my life as I didn’t understand what was happening and didn’t feel in control. I could get my daughter fed and changed, but that’s it.
If that is any ounce of what postpartum depression feels like, I am sharing what I’ve learned since then about it from the homeopathic and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) perspective below.
I had so much trouble producing milk because of all of the stress I was under. I managed to produce enough to get us to six months. As I’m surrounded now by so many loving couples and women whom have birthed more easily at home, I realize how much having the right amount of support in your life, especially before, during and after childbirth, can truly change the outcome of everything and lay the foundation for a more balanced motherhood.
As I put up our Christmas tree this morning, I joked how I am the man of the house and I am so strong. But, to be honest, I am tired of doing it all on my own. And I know now that part of this journey has been actually opening up to allow and receive support in my life. It’s been years of shedding layer after layer of grief and only moments of joy. And I’m ready to feel joy more. I am ready for joy to be my teacher, not hard lessons and grief. And I’m ready to let that in. Yet, some days, like today, the grief still consumes me, until I realize it’s not all emotional and return to my studies of Chinese Medicine (more on that below).
When I really take a moment to think about what we went through and where we are now, of course I still need more rest and nourishment. Of course, I still am heavy with grief sometimes, although it’s not as often anymore. I am coming out of years of survival mode between living in fear while pregnant and postpartum and a worldwide pandemic that began when my daughter was 6 months old.
“And as you feel yourself leaving survival mode, know that in another time, another place, a little you is experiencing what it’s like to feel safe. This is what is means to love.”
-J. Mike Fields
Sometimes I am hard on myself because I look around and we have created such a beautiful life here in Mexico, so why should I ever feel sad. I have lots of help now and more time to myself than if I was a single mother in the USA because I can afford childcare here. But honestly, everything still falls on my shoulders to bear. I am the provider, the mother, the boss, managing a household…everything. And while now I actually have time to care for myself and blessed to work less than part time, my deeply rooted scarcity issues that aren’t always even mine, and worry and fear can creep up, throwing me into fight or flight again.
I am only learning how to feel safe. And in my healing journey, I have discovered that this feeling runs deeper than what happened to me during my pregnancy. A child is just a catalyst for transformation and their birth brings up unresolved trauma. And if we are ready to face it, it’s an opportunity to transcend that trauma and allow a part of us to be rebirthed.
I have a book forthcoming on facing the shadow side of motherhood and embracing your rebirth. If you’d like to support the future publishing of this book, please consider becoming a paid subscriber or founding member.
Wild blessings,
Xo, -Alyssa
P.S. Keep reading for more insight on treating postpartum depression and how physical conditions cause emotional conditions. I have learned what seems like PMS, depression, or what seems like early onset pre-menopause can be alleviated with homeopathy and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) when you address the root cause of heartbreak or the physical depletion.
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